By Emmanuel Abi Couson
Manchester UTD injury prone defender Luke Shaw has been cut from the England Euro 2024 squad after being refused travel insurance by his provider.
Having made Southgate’s final 26 for Germany, it appears there will now be a reshuffle after the left-back, known only as “sicknote” to staff at insurers Touring Lions, was described as “the most obvious risk since a somebody handed a drunk Jack Grealish a microphone”.
The provider has since officially confirmed they are unwilling to offer coverage to a player who could injure himself in a pillow factory.
“On our books we have a blind customer who owns a Lamborghini and another who is 108 years old and into juggling knives while base jumping who we feel are less of a liability than Mr Shaw,” confirmed a source with the company.
Our source also described the relief of staff members at the news.
“Now we can imagine going to the pub cheering England on without having to worry about him hobbling off and taking our bonuses with him. The mood around the office has improved already,” they said.
Despite the late disruption to Southgate’s plans, one of his staff has admitted there’s also a sense of relief around the camp that Shaw will no longer be part of the travelling squad due to the level of disruption that comes with a player who has legs made of glass.
“We needed to charter a plane twice as big as usual due to Luke bringing sixteen extra physios, twelve doctors, fourteen nurses, a stretcher, a back specialist, a leg specialist, a set of crutches and 146 bandages, just in case he picks up a knock,” the England staff member said.
“There was a moment when Gareth considered binning off Eze, Saka, Dunk and Toney to make more room for Luke’s entourage of medics and associated healthcare items.”
When approached for comment by local reporters, Shaw confirmed he will be spending the summer with England hater Ben White watching Love Island.
Elsewhere around the England camp, spirits remain high as they go into the tournament as Euro 2024 favourites.
Three Lions coaches are implementing a 2-2-6 formation during training, not only due to their rich array of attacking talent at Southgate’s disposal, but mostly because all the best defenders are injured.
